“Help! My Husband Won’t Have Sex With Me.”

A Little Lesson

Note: This teaching is for adults only.

“Help!” someone recently wrote David, “My husband will not have sex with me!” In this Little Lesson, David addresses this sensitive question with the hope of helping those who find themselves in such marriages. Learn more!

Picture of wife whose husband does not want to have sex with her

The following excerpt is taken from a transcript of the video above.

Thank you so much for joining me. Over the last few years, I’ve done a number of Little Lessons on biblical sexuality. And so on occasion, we do receive questions from our beloved viewers within those themes of biblical sexuality and recently received one from a beloved viewer. My heart goes out to her. She says that her husband will not have sex with her and he says he doesn’t like it. And so what should she do now? I’m not in a very good position to be addressing this concern simply because you haven’t given me a lot of information to go on.

All I know is that your husband doesn’t want to have sex with you. And so if I was meeting with you or any counselor who had any sense, was meeting with you, that counselor would be probing a little bit deeper to find out, how long has this been, do you have any idea yourself? What else has your husband said, has he communicated anything to give us some clues as to what would be the best counsel to give a wife like this? It’s interesting because this is usually a problem that is more often experienced by husbands. Husbands more often complaint about wives not wanting sex than wives complain that husbands not wanting sex.

So there could be a many, many, many things, many facets to explore. And so I’m not going to tell you which one applies to you. I can just throw out a couple of ideas here. If it’s been happening a long time, then that’s of course a big, big, big yellow flag waving because sexually, men have a problem that they have to deal with. And that there’s an ever increasing sexual desire that they only get relief for it when they have sex on some level. And so you’d have to wonder if your husband is having an affair and that’s a question to ask. Is he always accounted for, is there a lot of times I have no idea where he’s at? That’s something to be concerned about. Is my husband looking at porn and masturbating with imaginary women and so forth? And so, he’s got a better partner, an imaginary partner in his mind. Could that be the problem?

Maybe there’s something physically wrong with your husband and it’s a medical problem, that would seem less likely than the other two scenarios that I have suggested, but nevertheless, it could be. So what need to do is, you need to communicate with your husband. I’m kind of assuming you’ve already done this, but let me just affirm that then. You need to go to your husband, not in the finger pointing, angry, accusatory mode, do your best to come in a loving, gracious way that is more likely to get an honest response from him. And we know what the Bible says, so if you’re a Christian, your husband is a professing Christian, we know the Bible says, Paul writes about this to the Corinthians, I think it’s in chapter seven of First Corinthians, “Stop depriving one another, except by agreement that you would devote yourself to a special time of, said time of prayer.”

But other than that, there needs to be, regular sexual relationships in a marriage. That’s how God designed it. It’s not just designed for procreation. It’s designed for pleasure. That’s been proven by all the old people like me, who can’t procreate anymore, but you can still have pleasure and, because God is good. When you have a great sexual relationship with your spouse, it’s one more indication of the love of God. He gave us the desires and that he gives us the way to express and enjoy the fulfillment of those desires. And so you’ve got a valid concern that you have to talk to your husband about. And I don’t know if you want to bring up the scripture and say, the Bible says, stop depriving one another. You know, because that’s not a way to seduce your husband or to get them interested in sex.

Men are, from a sexual standpoint, are much different than women in that although women might be attracted to an attractive male, physically, and might like how he’s shaped and so forth, his form, men are much, much, much more so. And that’s why 98% of all pornography is women, scantily clothed or unclothed women, because men are so visually oriented sexually. So take a tip from biology here, dear wife, God, you obviously attracted your husband to get him to marry you and so he found you attractive. And so maybe just ask yourself a question, am I still attracting him physically? And many women will be offended by this comment, I know. And I’m going to say it with tons of grace as much as I possibly can, because I know that it’s not easy women, incredible people, have babies. They do all the work in pregnancy. It seems to be fundamentally unfair, and men are the dogs in this instance because they don’t have to bear with pregnancy and so forth.

Women are the major care givers and so forth of children. I’m in no way trying to make any woman feel ashamed of her appearance, but this is just a biological fact. And I’m presenting all the possibilities because the person who wrote that question, your husband could be the scum of the earth for all I know he might be having an affair and you might be the most beautiful woman in your city and still this scum of the earth guy is cheating on you. That very well could be the scenario or he could be looking at porn and so forth and that’s a huge problem, and he shouldn’t be doing any of those things. But I’m just saying is, you did something to get him, to attract him. And so you just might want to ask if somehow you haven’t worked so hard at that. And although it sounds maybe on some levels to be cheap or something, like, wow, that’s the trouble with men, their only concern now, they’re just visual people and that’s all they care about and so forth. They don’t care about my mind and my intellect and my personality and my character as well and that’s not true. But men are stuck with their sexuality and there’s just lots of struggles. So you can help your husband in his struggles, by doing your best to take care of yourself.

That’s just one possible suggestion, amongst many suggestions. I can’t see this person. So I have no idea, I have no idea. So I’m just throwing out some possibilities. Well, here we are out of time, once again. Thanks for your questions. And I’m sorry if anyone has been offended here, but I’m honestly just trying to help all marriages that might be struggling in this way. Until next time, may the Lord bless you.