Help! I’m in a Low-Sex or No-Sex Marriage.

A Little Lessons Series

What do I do if I’m in a low-sex or no-sex marriage? Is masturbation in marriage okay? What about pornography? In this Little Lessons series, we look at these questions from struggling married couples in light of the wisdom of God’s Word.

Married Couple in bed frustrated

Help! I’m in a Low-Sex or No-Sex Marriage. – Part 1

The following excerpt is taken from a transcript of the video above.

If you are a regular viewer of Little Lessons, you know that for the last nine episodes, we’ve been looking at the topic of human sexuality, particularly immorality, sexual desire, lust, and I’ve really been addressing the kind of sexual struggles that, generally speaking, single people face. And I did my very best, and I’m going to go back and actually look at all the comments and read the questions that were posed and do my best to try to address some of those things, but thanks for all the encouragement.

In this Little Lesson and probably a few subsequent ones, one thing that single people are going to learn is that, even though marriage is the biblical solution to sexual frustration, and we cited those scriptures that say that, all sexual frustration isn’t automatically fixed by marriage, as many married people will testify, because you put males and females together in marriage, and they think different and they are different, and it takes some intentionality for each sex to begin to figure out the opposite sex when it comes to things sexual, all right?

So we shouldn’t be ashamed or embarrassed to talk about these things. Let’s just all admit it right from the start that all of us claim to be believers in a book that is the foundation to everything we believe about spirituality and our life with God, and that book, in the opening chapters, starts with the story of two unashamed nudists, right? And there’s a lot of other juicy stuff in there, but God is the one who thought up of the idea of male and female, He’s the one that put the hormones in our bodies, He’s the one that put the nerves where he put the nerves, He’s the one that … it was His idea for the parts and so forth.

So come on, let’s just be mature enough to say it’s okay for us to discuss this, and these are not forbidden, taboo subjects for Christians. Maybe one of the reasons why we’ve had so much interest is because sometimes these are treated like taboo subjects, so we’re not going to do that here on Little Lessons, obviously.

All right, so an epidemic problem is the one that I just posed at the beginning of this episode. Folks, by the droves, complain. And I know this from my own research, but I know this from being a pastor for a couple decades, that one or the other person in a marriage feels like, “Man, I’m not getting enough sexual satisfaction here.” Of course, men are more likely than women, it seems. Men are more desirous to have sex more often than their wives, although the reverse has been proven to be the case at times, okay? So it’s not just unique to men.

So what’s the solution to the low-sex or the no-sex marriage? Well, the first thing is just to acknowledge, from a biblical standpoint, that that’s not God’s will. That’s not God’s will at all, and so we’re going to separate it from just being our own frustration of our own desires are not being fulfilled sufficiently, but first of all … and I’m not factoring that out entirely, okay? But I’m saying let’s frame it, first of all, within biblical revelation.

We’ve already read the scripture in 1 Corinthians 7:5. I’m going to read off my little cheat sheet here. Paul says, “Stop depriving one another,” talking to husbands and wives, “except by agreement for a time,” so he’s not saying that anyone should ever agree to a sexless marriage. You can agree to a sexless marriage temporarily. That’s the only thing, and both have to be agreeing over that so that you … Why? So that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Well, that’s a whole nother subject in itself, that people would actually forego sex … which, how often does that happen? … in order to spend more time in prayer. That’s obviously a commentary on the importance of prayer.

But then he goes … we’re pushing that aside … but “come together again,” that is, you’ve agreed temporarily to abstain from sex, talking to married couples here now, “come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.” So a lot of layers of revelation there, but the one that supersedes all the rest, that comes through so loud and clear is that a permanently sexless marriage is not God’s will.

And we can also add to that a low-sex marriage, the intermittent thing that one partner is very frustrated and feeling themselves tempted by Satan because of their lack of self-control. That’s where you know that we’re not in God’s will, because I’m unsatisfied, and so that gives Satan a little potential inroad there into my life because he knows I’m frustrated I’ve got a low-sex marriage.

Okay, so we’re facing up to this, okay, pushing selfish desires aside, pushing any other factors aside, just first of all focusing on the fact that God’s will is continual sexual relationship in marriage. And someone will inevitably ask, “Well, how old do you have to get before you don’t want it any longer?” Well, you’re asking the wrong person here. I’m telling you right now, you’re asking the wrong person. Long after the age of being able to procreate and conceive children, sex is still something that God gives to married couples as a gift to glue them together and to enhance their relationship and their love.

Now, there’s lots of nuances, of course, in all of this, which we’ll talk about in our subsequent Little Lessons. I guess this is going to go on into Part Two, and the way it’s going, maybe into Part Three, okay? So all I wanted … the takeaway from this Little Lesson is we’re acknowledging that sexless and low-sex, no-sex marriage is not God’s will. And you could say it’s not God’s best, but that’s actually lesser than the truth. It’s simply not God’s will.

Well, you’re saying, “Oh, hooray, hooray! I hope my wife will watch this video.” Okay, well, maybe she will. Or maybe you’re saying, “Oh, I don’t like this message. This is not good news for me, because I don’t want any more than what we’ve already got,” and I think wives are more typical to say that than men. Well, I’m going to address all of that and hopefully provide some helpful solutions here the best I can. All right, thank you so much for joining me. Hope to see you on our next Little Lesson. God bless you.

Help! I’m in a Low-Sex or No-Sex Marriage. – Part 2

The following excerpt is taken from a transcript of the video above.

We’re going to keep talking about the subject of the problem of a low sex or no sex marriage. On our previous little lesson, we established from first Corinthians chapter seven verse number five, that’s not God’s will. Okay. That’s just the foundation that we’re laying. I hope I made this clear in our little lessons that we addressed primarily to the sexual struggles of single people to be praying for a solution as a single person or as a married person, that God will deliver you from sexual desire. I want to tell you, you can’t have faith for God to answer that prayer, seeing as how God’s the one who gave you the sexual desire that you have. Okay? To say, “Oh God, deliver me from sexual desire.” Again, you could pray that prayer, but good luck on getting an answer because you can’t pray with faith because there’s nothing in the Word of God that would indicate to us that that’s God’s will to lessen your sexual desire.

Now, he wants us to control our sexual desire, keep it fenced in within the parameters that he sent out into the world. It’s a gift to married people. It’s an incentive to unmarried people to get married. All right, but keep it within all of those boundaries that are in the word of God. I’m just telling you, if you’re praying for God to deliver you from sexual desire, you’re probably going to be disappointed. Okay, so there’s a better solution. One of the very next verses in that passage we’ve been looking at in first Corinthians seven, chapter seven and verse number seven, Paul says, “Yet, I wish all men were even as I myself am.” That is, single. Paul clearly had the gift of celibacy. In fact, that’s what he calls it. Each man has his own gift from God, one in this manner and another in that. If you have the gift of celibacy, you know it, and if you don’t have the gift of celibacy, you know it. You don’t have to be praying about this and say, “God, reveal to me whether I have this gift.”

Oh my goodness. No, just check out your sexual desire and what a blessing it would be if we all had the gift of celibacy before we got married. There’ll be absolutely no temptation there or somehow you could flip the switch in a low sex, no sex marriage and those frustration flipped the switch and, “Oh, now I’ve got the gift of celibacy,” but it just doesn’t seem that’s how God’s working. Okay. We’ve got to find better solutions than that because those really aren’t solutions at all. All right. We’ve established what is God’s will in this matter. Now the next step is if you find yourself in a low sex or no sex marriage, you need to communicate, okay, and not communicate with your buddies and friends and girlfriends or boyfriends. No, no, no, because actually there’s an element here of Biblical truth that your spouse is sinning against you if they’re the one who was withholding sex. We read it in first Corinthians seven, five, “Stop depriving one another, except by agreement for a time, but then come together again that Satan tempt you because of your lack of self-control.”

The spouse who is withholding sex from the other spouse is sinning against them opening the door for Satan to get in there. There’s no way around that from the scripture, so you need to communicate, but you need to communicate in love and not in finger pointing and anger and accusations and so forth. Husbands, if you’re frustrated that you’re not getting enough sex from your wife, chances are pretty slim that it’s going to get better by you yelling at her and arguing with her and pointing your finger at her and so forth. No, it’s always best to, you know, when you have a problem in a relationship to look at yourself first and see if perhaps there’s that teeny weenie itsy bitsy weenie beeny chance that maybe you could at least be partially responsible for the problem. Okay. Now, here in first Corinthians seven five where Paul’s talking about, “Stop depriving one another, unless you accept by agreement for a time, and come together again lest Satan tempt you because of your lack of self-control.”

He’s didn’t say, “Hey, men,” no, the implication is, hey men and women, hey, husbands and wives both are susceptible to this. Both have sexual desire. Both need to come together again. Right? Right. Okay. If your wife, for example, I’m talking to husbands now, seems to have not as much sexual desire as you would like her to have. Well, you’re not going to win her over by telling her that she’s sinning against you and say, the Bible says submit, you know, because I’m the head. You’re the pinhead, that’s true but that’s not your job. Now, what’s your job? Your job is to love your wife, like Christ loves the church. How much love is that? Oh my goodness. Do you ever hear the Gospel? Oh my goodness, I feel so sorry for women who get all bent out of shape because the Bible’s talking about wives submitting to their husbands. Again, taken out of context, yeah, that could be offensive and I get that, but the duty laid on the husband.

Husbands love your wives like Christ loved the church. That’s a whole lot more demanding and difficult than wives submit to your husbands. Okay? Just threw that in as a little caveat. Now, husbands, I’m not going to be able to get into this. You have to watch part three, but husbands, God has given you everything you need or he certainly given you access to everything you need to maybe make a difference here. Okay? You need to begin to understand your wife. God gave her sexual desire, and this is not identical as yours. She doesn’t get turned on by what she sees when you parade in front of her scantily clad. She’s not going, ooh, you know, she might be admiring you, sure. It’s not like it is with you when you see an attractive woman scantily clad.

You got to turn on your wife and she’s got a slow cooker, slow burner. It’s not all about sex for her. It’s about love. Oh my goodness, romance and thoughtfulness. It doesn’t just start in the bedroom. It starts at the beginning of the day, every day, every day, all week long, little tender indications and hugs and sweet things and little text messages that you’re thinking about her. Not just saying, I’m thinking about your breasts. It’s I’m thinking about you honey, because I like talking to you. I like being with you. You’re the love of my life and so you’re just getting that slow burner cooking so that maybe a little more fuel for the desire comes out and that’s what you want. Okay? All right, we’re out of time for today. We’ll pick up here in the next little lesson. Hope you don’t miss it because it’s going to be juicy. See you then.

Help! I’m in a Low-Sex or No-Sex Marriage. – Part 3

The following excerpt is taken from a transcript of the video above.

We’re having so much fun talking about what to do if you find yourself in a low sex or a no sex marriage. This is part three, so if you missed the first two parts, you probably ought to just stop where you’re at and go back and watch those two. Because we’re building, you know, this is a seven or eight minute little lesson and we have to go day by day and lesson by lesson.

We’re talking, in our last little lesson, that husbands who, particularly who are complaining about they’re not getting enough sex, so they’re frustrated, one of the keys of course, and again, there’s some other things beside just one thing, but one of the things that husbands need to know is that it’s not just all about sex for their wives. They love to be loved all the time.

If you’re disregarding her and if you’re not telling her every day, several times, that you love her, telling her that she’s beautiful to you, sending her little messages or texts or whatever, being thoughtful, considerate, opening the door for her and those kinds of things, you’re not doing a good job. You’re just not doing a good job. So you just need to get your act together a little bit and remember, biblically, you’re supposed to love your wife like Christ loves the church. And that’s a whole lot of love.

And Jesus doesn’t just love the church every night before he goes to bed. Jesus loves the church 24 hours a day, seven days a week. And that’s what you got to do, see? So what you’re doing is, you’re getting that slow burner cooking and you’re helping your wife to have more desire, all right?

All right, so that would be thing number one. Now, wives … Well, I think I’ll save the wives thing, because that’s going to be the toughest for me to say. So I’ll just stick with the husbands. So this way, wives, I’m talking to husbands so you can like me, okay? You’re not going to get mad at me, because I’m talking to what the husbands should do if they are not feeling like they’re getting enough sex. Now, if your husband listens to what I just talked about and then our last lesson, he’s going to start treating you better and you’re going to start responding a little bit, just naturally, all right?

All right, so husbands, here’s something else that you need to know about women. They want to make love. They don’t want to be raped. Some wives will confess that that’s kind of how it feels, because the attacker comes into the bedroom and he’s like neanderthal and he’s got one thing on his mind and it takes him about four minutes and then he’s done and then he goes to sleep. Oh my goodness. And you’re wondering why your wife isn’t a little bit more interested in sex. Well, she’s really interested in love, love. But she’s not interested in that. You know, you got dirt under your fingernails and your breath smells bad and there’s a booger hanging out your nose. You’re neanderthal man. You’re not attractive to any woman. So clean up your act and learn a little bit about hygiene and, again, love your wife like Christ loves the church. That’s the commandment. That’s the injunction. That’s the mandate. That’s the challenge.So you got to work on this a lot, buddy, a lot.

Love making is not an event, it’s a lifestyle that starts … well, it never stops. It never stops. Marriage, it doesn’t stop. You don’t snip it on and click it off, we’re married, we’re not married. No, no. You’re married all the time. You love this woman all the time. She’ll be much more responsive. And then if you communicate to her and say, “Hey, honey, I’m commanded to love you like Christ loves the church, so how can I do that better? I’m wide open for your constructive, loving, criticism right now, even in the area of sex and so forth. Is there something I could do? Is there something I need to change, something that could make it so … make you happier?” Because there you go, now you’re talking God’s language now, not thinking of self, but thinking of others, thinking of my wife, loving my neighbor as myself.

So wife comes first. How can I make this the best possible for you? And not just sex, because you cannot separate sex from everything else in a woman’s mind. No, sir. No, ma’am. It’s got to be every day, consistent, all the time. I’ve said that so many times now, I’m getting tired of hearing myself say it, but I guess we just need to keep saying it.

All right, and so open it up. Don’t say, “Now I sure wish you’d do this for me,” or, “If you’d only …” No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. You’ve got it all backwards here. You’re supposed to be the leader. You’re supposed to be the big lover here. So you got to ask her, “How can I make our marriage better and hey, also, how can I make our lovemaking better?” Because I want it to be as best as possible and I want to drive you crazy and I want to just really be a great lover for you, but you got to tell me, because I’m kind of a neanderthal here, so please help me out.” Then just listen. Just listen.

When she tells you, if she has the nerve to tell you, just sit there humbly and say, “Oh, okay. Thank you so much. I didn’t realize that. Okay. All right. Thank you. Yeah, I will try. Next time, I will do that.”

Okay, and so now, hey, you’re making progress. And that’s why it has been said, and again, I hate making these little trite sayings, because oftentimes people get offended because they go, “That doesn’t cover my category.” And it doesn’t. It doesn’t, okay. This is an overgeneralization. But it has been said that there’s no such thing as frigid wives, just bumbling husbands. There is a lot of truth to that. Now that doesn’t cover everything, of course, so don’t just condemn yourself poor husbands, because there could be some problems on your wife’s side. I will talk about that as we get into some more detail here, okay?

So we’re out of time for today’s little lesson. I hope you benefited by that. Hope you practice. All right? Husbands, practice, practice, practice and reap the benefits. Hallelujah. Okay?

All right, hope you see you in our next little lesson. God bless you.

Help! I’m in a Low-Sex or No-Sex Marriage. – Part 4

The following excerpt is taken from a transcript of the video above.

We’re having a good time talking about what to do if you’re in a low sex or no sex marriage. This is number four. So if you’re just seeing this one first of all, well, you missed the first three, so stop and go look at the other three, because we’re building time by time. If you just watch this one, it’s not going to make as much sense as if you watch the other three, okay?

So we’re talking first of all to husbands finding themselves in the low sex, no sex marriage, because husbands are the most likely ones to find that. Husbands are more likely to be sexually dissatisfied than their wives, stronger sex drive, at least in their minds.

Okay, so talked last time about how to get that slow cooker burning and I’m not going to reiterate all that. I did close with this kind of generalized statement, and I’m going to say it again, but with a disclaimer. There’s no such thing as frigid wives, just bumbling husbands. Husbands, just be humble and accept that, that you can learn what it’s going to take to get your wife more interested in what you’re more interested in, okay? And that is an overgeneralization, so let me cover one thing that might not fit into that generalization.

There are some women, God bless them, who, because of how they were raised, have their misgivings and their innate resistance towards sex. Because they were taught lies about it or they had wrong information very young or they suffered some kind of sexual abuse that was very evil and wrong and that does something to their hearts and their minds. And we all are products of what we’ve experienced. But I’m happy to tell you, if you’re a follower of Christ, he can help you break through and get over the past effects that have scarred your heart and your mind and so forth. And it’s certainly true in the sexual realm.

But husbands, if you’ve got a wife who’s scarred like that, then you’re going to have to be extra patient, extra tender. And slowly, you can help your wife by looking at the scripture and by talking and by communicating and by being that husband that God wants you to be, loving your wife as Christ loves us. Because Jesus is very patient with the church and he gave us his word. So you got the same tools there, the patience of Christ with your wife, and take her to the scriptures.

So you could look at I Corinthians 7:5 or, we made this very clear in our very first episode here, four episodes ago, that it’s not God’s will to have a low sex or no sex marriage, I Corinthians chapter seven, verse five, and a whole lot of other verses in the bible, okay, but that one makes it so clear. And she’s going to struggle, because that doesn’t just erase her past, right? So then you take her to the Song of Solomon and all those juicy passages there, to show that, “Hey, this is in the bible,” and so sex inherently isn’t … There’s nothing wrong or dirty or evil or bad or displeasing to God about it at all. He gave it as a gift to us to be kept within certain parameters. Unfortunately, you suffered outside those parameters because of whatever, someone misinformed you, somebody scarred you by abusing you or something, but God is able to help you reorient your mind so that you can see this differently.”

So you’re encouraging her. And again, people don’t just get it the first time, need to be re-affirmed and loved and lots of patience.

I feel so sorry for those kids who are raised in the Christian homes, the very strict Christian homes, when the first time mom or dad discovers little Johnny or little Jane rubbing himself or herself in the area that they just happened to discover, “Oh my goodness, that really feels good.” Little tiny kids, every little kid, sooner or later, discovers this, right? I feel so sorry for those kids where mom or dad grabbed their hand and slapped it and said, “Don’t touch that part of your body. That’s bad and that makes Jesus very angry.” Well, you just won the prize for stupid.

What you should have done is said, when you found your kid, your little kid, in the bathtub, taking a bath, rubbing themselves, you should have said, “Does that feel good? Oh my goodness, that really feels good. Well, you don’t even know the half of how much God loves you yet. And when you get married, you’re going to discover something about that.” Just leave it at that, and so forth. But you’re affirming something that God has made. Because it’s God who put those nerves in those little bodies.

Oh, I think of those people, this female genital mutilation in parts of where the dark ages, actually, it’s darker than even the dark ages, where they’re slicing off parts of little girls bodies when they reach puberty, in order to prevent promiscuity or something and to deny them pleasure and so forth. That is so evil and perverse. But it’s just a step away, a pretty large step away, but it’s step away from the Christian parents who are slapping their kids’ hand saying, “That’s evil. Don’t ever touch yourself in that part of your body.”

No, better to say, “Hey, God is a wonderful God. Man, he made our bodies, we get to taste things, we get to smell things, we get to hear things. Those parts right there, they’re special parts. Those parts, well, they got different purposes. Really, it’s for later on when you get married and so forth, but yeah, isn’t that cool? That’s cool. Yeah.” And so you’re not putting something into their tiny little brains that’s going to stick with them all the way until they get married and then hinder their marriage. Lord have mercy.

Husbands, if you’re married to one of those poor women who had her hand slapped when she was little or heard some fiery sermon that talked about the evils of sex and so forth and it had no context of marriage and so forth, oh my goodness … Well, it’s a being transformed by the renewing of your mind issue. Period. Like everything else, any other hangup you would have in the Christian life, any other baggage that you bring with you in the Christian life, when you have this old way of thinking and it’s not biblical, the solution is always to be transformed by the renewing of your mind.

So there’s so much about sex in the bible and of course, just in natural theology. That is what God has revealed to everybody. He’s got animals having sex, birds do it, bees do it, even flowers and trees do it, as the song goes. And so there’s a lot of information, sex is from God. Part of the reason … Those theologians who are telling us it’s only for procreation, they also win a prize for stupid. That’s not true. It’s for procreation, but even more, it’s for pleasure. Because there’s more pleasure going on than procreation going on, most of the time. Women can’t even conceive, but just, for a short time every single month, but you can have sex just about any time. After menopause, come on, you can still have pleasure, but you can’t procreate.

So sex is a gift from God for fun. When Paul wrote, “God has given us all things richly, to enjoy,” no doubt that was one of the things on his list.

All right. Enough said for today. I got more to say next time, though. I still got more … I got one more big thing to say to husbands, okay, in part five of this series of little lessons. I’m going to actually maybe talk to the wives, if I get enough nerve.

All right. Hope to see you next time. Bye bye.

Help! I’m in a Low-Sex or No-Sex Marriage. – Part 5

The following excerpt is taken from a transcript of the video above.

This is part five of our Little Lessons series addressing the epidemic problem of the low-sex or no-sex marriage. It’s happening amongst Christians on a mammoth scale, and so I make no apologies for this, my fifth Little Lesson addressing this problem, but if you need help here, and this is the first video you’ve watched, please, please, please don’t watch this video. Stop. Go watch the first four. Then watch number five. Okay? Because we’re building on stuff. I’ve been addressing, particularly first of all, frustrated husbands, because they’re the most likely ones to be frustrated, because typically men are more invested in sex than women are, but there is a reason. I’ve been talking about some of those reasons, because God gave women a sexual drive, okay, but it’s all tied into more than just a physical act or what they see that turns them on. It has a lot to do with how they’re treated.

Again, women look at attractive men and they can admire them and so forth, but I don’t know if you know this, that pornography, the pornography industry, caters primarily, not exclusively, okay, not exclusively, because there’s plenty of women that are hooked into pornography, but it primarily ties into men. Why? Because men are visually stimulated, and that’s what pornography offers, visual stimulation. Whereas a man can look at a woman and be sexually aroused by her pretty fast, any woman who meets his criteria, women are a little bit slower than that, and they’re much more likely to only be attracted to men who they can admire for more than just their bodies or their appearance and so forth. They’re looking for love. Okay?

That’s a terrible thing when women get involved in sex out of wedlock, because they often think this is love and then they discover it’s not love at all. It was just lust, and they got used like a prostitute. I tell you, listen, single ladies, any guy that’s asking you to sleep with him, run. You might want to slap him on the way out and say, “No, sir. You’re not going to use me, buddy. I’m only hooking up with a man who commits to me till death do us part and is going to treat me like the woman that I am, and I’m not a prostitute. I’m not a hooker. I’m not someone who just sleeps around with anybody.” All right, so I’m kind of getting off the subject.

Now, let’s, once again, address men. You’re frustrated. Okay, so I’ve given you lots of tips, lots of advice here over the last Little Lesson. I’m going to give you another tip today. Okay. Here it is. Are you ready? God put apart something on your wife’s body that is there exclusively, exclusively, exclusively for her pleasure. Now, you can’t say that about any part on a man’s body, on any part, but if we just look at the sexual parts of a man’s body, your sexual parts are multitask, aren’t they? Okay, so you can urinate through your penis. You can inseminate somebody and plant a baby, but there’s a third purpose. You can get some pleasure from all the nerves that God has put into that general region of your body. Okay?

Well, so we’re talking now about a part on your wife’s body that is there that is not multi-purposed. It’s got one purpose, and that is purely pleasure. If you don’t know what part I’m talking about, it’s a good thing you’re watching this video. Oh, my goodness, is it ever a good thing. Okay? Clitoris. That’s the name. It’s not just a little tiny bulb there. If you can see the cutaway version of a female body, it’s a rather large organ that wraps around underneath her, their legs there and so forth, and it doesn’t have any other purpose than pleasure. All right? Now you know, if you didn’t know that. Now you know. I guess you have a responsibility. If you wanted to get your wife more interested in sex, well, you got to figure out how to make it more pleasurable for her, and now you can begin to think about, “Oh, there’s something there that God has helped her with and that God’s going to help me with.”

Now, you think that she’ll get that pleasure through intercourse. Well, okay. You’re right. You’re absolutely right, but here’s a little factoid. I can’t believe I’m talking about this stuff, but we might as well just dive in all the way. Okay? 75% of women cannot experience orgasm vaginally. Okay? Did you hear me, what I said? Okay, so by your penetration of her vagina, and your movement and so forth, 75% of women cannot, cannot reach a climax. It might feel good for a while and so forth, but she’s not going to reach the ultimate, and so you’re going to have to do something else besides that kind of vaginal penetration in order to give your wife the kind of pleasure and arousal that it takes in order for her to reach the big O.

All right. You didn’t know that? Well, it’s a good thing you’re watching this video. Okay? Guess what? You’re going to have to like, this is an art. This is an art. You’re going to have to ask your wife for some communication, and help, and advice, and some commentary. Yeah. Yeah, and it’s going to take a while to get it all just figured out so-so. All right? Husbands, here’s the rule. Wife first. Wife first. I feel so sorry for those poor women who have these Neanderthal husbands who make love for four minutes and then that’s it, when that wasn’t making love. That was abuse. No, no, no, no. Husbands, before you reach your ecstasy that you’re going to reach, you need to make sure your wife reaches it first. Wives first. It’s for 75% of women, it’s not going to happen by you know what, intercourse. Okay? It’s not going to happen that way. It’s going to have to … You have to figure out another way. Okay? I leave it to you to figure out the other way. It’s not so difficult, but there has to be communication.

Wives, here’s what you can do to help your husband. He doesn’t know how you feel, and so you have to help him, and guide him, and tell him, and give him indications when he’s doing it right and when he’s not doing it right and so forth. Husbands, you have to keep asking, if your wife is a little bit shy about this, and wives first. Wives first. All right? Then, husbands, it’s okay for you. All right. All right. Hope this is helping some people. Please be merciful to me in your comments, and I’ve got at least one more Little Lesson on this subject. I hope to see you next time.

Help! I’m in a Low-Sex or No-Sex Marriage. – Part 6

The following excerpt is taken from a transcript of the video above.

This is number six in a Little Lessons series on low-sex or no-sex marriages, and if you haven’t watched the first five, you need to watch the first five before you watch number six because today I’m going to have the nerve, after spending several lessons talking to husbands who find themselves in a low sex or no sex marriage, now I’m going to talk to the wives.

Of course, I guess I should first address wives who find themselves in the very unusual position where their husbands are not so interested in sex, but they are more interested. There’s a stronger desire on the female side than the male side. Generally speaking, then I would give some of the same general principles of advice that I’ve already given. Again, this is all biblically based. It’s just basic principles of walking in love.

You need to ask yourself the question. Instead of pointing the finger at husband and saying, “What’s wrong with you?”, you need to say to yourself, “Hmm. Is there anything that I could maybe possibly learn that could make my husband more interested in sex?” If you don’t know where to turn, there’s so many resources today, but how about just turning to your husband and saying, “Oh my dear love, I love you so much. I just find myself desiring to have a sexual relationship with you more than it seems that you’re interested in there. My love, my dear, is there anything that you could tell me that I could do that would turn you on or make you more interested and so forth in this? Because I want to be the kind of wife that you want me to be.”

Then open yourself very humbly. Hopefully, he’ll have the nerve if there’s something he can think of to say, that he’s not experiencing some kind of a hormonal or actual physical problem that would … I can’t answer that. You need to go to a doctor on that one, but husbands, most husbands, they’re okay. They have a sexual drive, and if they’re not responding as much as their wife wants them too, maybe the wife could learn something. Overall in this kind of problem in marriage, as in all problems in marriage, communication, loving, humble, gentle communication, is the key. Ask your husband.

Now if you’re the wife who doesn’t … You think, “My husband is the sexual monster here. My goodness, he’d like to have sex twice a week, but I’m only interested in it once a month”, again, you need to ask yourself the question, “Maybe there’s something that is wrong with me, or maybe I need to communicate something to my husband because it’s a little bit odd that my sexual desire is so low in this regard. We need to together figure this out.” Right? Right. Okay.

Because I already addressed the husbands, maybe some light bulbs went off in the minds of some wives when we talked about that. Just to keep it very general here, wives, asking your husband … I think this would be a good question for any wife, no matter what your sexual relationship is like. Just like your wife would ask, “Do you like this meal that I cooked? Do you like to go to this restaurant that I like to go to? Do you like this kind of movie to watch together?”, husbands and wives should be communicating about every aspect. My goodness, you’re married for decades and you’re living together. You ought to be talking about everything.

It’s so odd that sex is an embarrassing thing to talk about. Just broach the subject and just say, “Hey, in our married lives, if we made love twice a week for one year, that would be a hundred times. If we’re married for 40 years, that would be 4,000 times.” Did I do the math right? Even if I didn’t, it’s a lot. This is something that can be talked about. You can say, “How can I be a better lover?” Again, even if you think it’s his fault, by taking the humble side first of all and by opening it up to correction that he could give you, then that gives you the opportunity to speak to him about maybe what he could change.

It’s always best when you’re trying to change somebody in a relationship to first come at it very humble and say, “Hey, am I doing something that you don’t like? Is there anything I could do that you would like? Help me out here because I’m a woman and I don’t think like a man. I think like a woman, so help me to understand here because it seems like things aren’t going like we both like them to go here. You want more. I want less. Or if I want more, you want less.” God didn’t make us that way. That wasn’t God’s will. God did make men and women, male and female, different, but he gave them both sexual desire. If things are going the way they should be, it ought to be fairly equal and consistent.

This is not to say that there wouldn’t be times when sexual desire wanes, and then the one with the lesser desire just needs to be a Christian and say, “Well, maybe I’m not totally in the mood right now, but let me try to help myself get in the mood. Let me try my hardest because I’m choosing to love this person, this guy or this gal, who is my husband or my wife. Then let’s talk. Let’s keep the lines of communication open. Why is that I’m not in the mood? Could it be the fact that you don’t show me that you love me all day long and then you just march into the bedroom and expect a performance by your concubine? Could that possibly be the reason here?”

There are many other things that women can do. Men are so visually stimulated, and so it’s no secret that it is possible, and I know there’s going to be people that are going to get mad at me for saying this, but I just got to say it anyways, women who just let themselves go. “Oh I got him, he’s on the hook, we’re married, and so it doesn’t make a difference how I look anymore.” Look, look, look. Part of the reason he married you was because he was attracted to how you looked. He’s not expecting you not to get older, but he is expecting you to take care of yourself because you love him. That makes him feel loved, and all these things work together for good, let me tell you.

Alright. Hope that … We didn’t cover everything because I’m not a licensed sex counselor and studied this in college and so forth. I’m just coming from experience of years and years of pastoring, being married myself for 40 years, talking to friends over the years. That’s where I’m coming from. Go easy on me in the comments here, but I think I’ve said some things that could be helpful in this little series on the low sex or no sex marriage. Thanks for joining me. Hope to see you next time.

What About Masturbation in Marriage?

The following excerpt is taken from a transcript of the video above.

We just concluded in our previous six Little Lessons a series that I called “Help, I’m in a Low Sex or No Sex Marriage.” One of the questions that has been posed to us by one of our wonderful Little Lessons viewers is, “What about masturbation in marriage?” I believe that they’re implying that this would be related to one of those low sex or no sex marriages. Is that a solution? I’ve got a low sex marriage. I need it more than my wife is willing to give it, and so I masturbate or visa versa. Is that right or wrong? Should I do it or should I not? Well, great question, epidemic problem inside and outside of the church world and body of Christ, but I think the answer is obvious, and I don’t think the scripture would … Nothing’s clear. It’s God’s will for husbands and wives to be engaged in a sexual relationship on a consistent basis. Remember, one of our key scriptures we read was in 1 Corinthians 7:5 where Paul told husbands and wives, “Stop depriving one another except by agreement for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to pray. Come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.”

What he’s saying there is the spouse who deprives his or her spouse of sex, which they shouldn’t be doing that, they’re sinning against their spouse, and they’re opening the door for Satan to tempt their spouse. Now, some interpreters will say tempt them to masturbate. I actually don’t read that, nor do I see that because I don’t find that masturbation is mentioned anywhere else in the Bible as being something that is grievous to God in itself. We covered that before this other series. I did a whole big long series on masturbation and sexual desire and lust and so forth. In my personal opinion, the temptation is then to go for sex outside of marriage. That would be to commit adultery, and that is a real temptation. That’s the real danger. When you’re setting your spouse up for that kind of temptation, that can be deadly. That’s why this is so important.

Now, I don’t believe that masturbation is the solution. It might seem to be the only solution. It’s obviously a better solution than going out and committing adultery, but it’s not the best solution at all and, especially, oh my goodness, especially if in masturbation you’re thinking about somebody other than your spouse. We know that’s wrong because do you want your wife masturbating thinking about somebody else besides yourself? No, well, do unto others as you’d have them do unto you and visa versa. Treat others as you want to be treated. This is the golden rule. We know that’s wrong. I have also been asked the question, “What if you’re separated because your job takes you away from your husband or your wife for extended periods of time? Is it okay to masturbate as long as you’re thinking about them?” I can’t personally see any harm in that. Better than going out and committing adultery, but you have to watch what’s going on in your mind, but anyways, let me stay on topic here.

If you’re finding yourself resorting to masturbation in marriage and there’s no extenuated circumstances like separation because of a job or the last days of pregnancy or things of this kind of nature where it just makes it really, really at maintaining normal, regular sexual relationship, barring those things, pushing those things aside, if you’re resorting to it because of the fact that you’re not being sexually satisfied by your spouse because he or she is not as interested as you are, well, then, go back and watch all these videos that I just made. There were six of them all together. This is like actually like number seven. See if you can learn something there for husbands or for wives. I spoke mostly to husbands, because they’re the ones who complain about this the most. It’s husbands who are more likely to masturbate.

Now, wife, let’s say you catch your husband masturbating. Now, time to communicate. Don’t take offense, although I can understand how you’d be offended, but handle this gently and say to your husband, “Boy, am I missing it somewhere here? Is there something that … Because I could do that for you. It could be drawing us together, but I catch you doing it by yourself, it’s not drawing us together. It’s kind of like turning me off. I’m thinking maybe he’s thinking about somebody else. Maybe he’s got a mistress in his mind and so forth. Could I be better at satisfying your sexual drive and desires? Am I missing it here?” Again, please, don’t take what I’m saying here out of the context of what I have said in the previous six Little Lessons. This works both ways.

Husbands and wives should be talking. They should be talking while they’re having sex. Yeah. What feels good? What do I like? What do I not like? What do I wish would happen next? What’s too fast? What’s too slow? What’s too hard? What’s too soft? All that kind of stuff needs to be communicated so that we’re striving to be the best lovers we possibly can be because this is a gift from God designed to glue people together in ecstasy and in love, added to everything else because there’s so many wonderful benefits of marriage. All those benefits, there’s always the potential downside to all these things that God gives us because we misuse them or we have no finesse or we miss a nuance like having kids is a wonderful thing, but if you don’t raise them right, it becomes a hellish thing.

Parents who figure out how to do it, man, oh my goodness, there’s no way to put a number on the blessing of having kids in your family and raising them in the nurture and the admonition of the Lord. To answer the original question, masturbation in marriage, generally speaking would be a yellow flag raising. Something is not exactly right here. It certainly isn’t God’s best, and it’s time to communicate with love, not with accusation, but with humility. You can work it out. Listen to that old song by The Beatles, “We can work it out. We can work it out.” If The Beatles could work it out, they weren’t even Christians. If The Beatles could work it out, you can work it out too. Thank you so much for joining me. Hope to see you next time. God bless you.

Is There Ever a Place for Porn in Marriage?

The following excerpt is taken from a transcript of the video above.

Is there ever a place for porn in marriage? If you’re a regular viewer, you know we’ve been on the theme of marriage and sex in marriage, just finished up six Little Lessons in a row that were titled “Help, I’m in a Low Sex or No Sex Marriage”. I gave all of my best Biblical counsel that I could in those six lessons. Then, the one right before this, we talked about masturbation in marriage because that was a question that one of our viewers asked who was relating to the fact that they’re in a low sex or no sex marriage, so asking is it okay to substitute sex with masturbation because they’re not getting enough. This question on today’s lesson is related there too because one of our viewers is wondering about counsel they received that because they’re in a low sex or a no sex marriage that pornography is a good solution.

You do find actually kind of advice prevalent within non-Christian circles, where they’re telling couples that if you need to have your sex life revved up a little bit, just watch some porn, and that will give you some inspiration and ideas for other things that you might do. It, of course, will get you sexually aroused and so on and so forth. Oh my goodness. It’s hard to know where to start. This advice is also being given in some cases with a low sex/no sex marriage. Well, you’re not having your sexual desires met, and so view some porn, and then dream about one of those people that you’re seeing in the pornography as you masturbate, and this is the solution to your no sex/low sex marriage.

From a Christian standpoint, and that’s where Little Lessons comes from, Bible teaches sexual purity and sexual faithfulness and, of course, the overriding ethic of the Christian faith as well as Judaism is to love your neighbor as yourself or another way of saying that is treat others like you want to be treated. In some of these moral questions and ethical situations, we just ask the big question, “How does this fit into the clear ethic of loving your neighbor as yourself and treating others as I want to be treated?” Husbands, if you’re thinking about, “Do pornography fit into my marriage somehow?” how would you feel if your wife was asking that question or indulging in pornography, looking at other men with sexual desire? Would that make you feel good and loved and desirable? Well, no.

You might even find that if you caught your wife in such a thing, and she was unrepentant about it and continued it, you’d think, “You’ve got another lover. You’ve got another man or you’ve got multiple men in your life because you’re watching all this garbage and seeing all these naked men and so forth in your pornography.” You might consider that grounds for divorce. That kind of answers the question, “Husbands, is there any place for pornography in marriage for the husband?” Some husbands would try to defend that because, “Well, my wife’s not satisfying me sexually.” Well, the solution to that is not pornography. That’s just going to make your wife even less desirable and drive a wedge even deeper between you.

You’re going the wrong direction when you’re going the porn route. You need to just forget about that alternative. That’s going to help destroy your marriage. Forget that. Put that aside and go the route God wants you to go. That is communication. We’ve talked about this already, so I don’t have to go into this in all detail. Husbands and wives need to have loving, gentle, understanding, Christlike conversations between each other if there’s a problem, if there’s any kind of problem, but if there’s a sexual problem, then that needs to be discussed. You can work it out because if you’re two people who are followers of Christ, then you have the Holy Spirit to help you, you have got the word of God to help you. You’ve got so much going for it.

It’s such a shame when Christian couples can’t seem to work it out. You never go to communicate with your spouse by the angry pointing of the finger. That’s stupid on any level in any kind of confrontation. You always, as a follower of Christ, should be coming humbly and gently with openness that maybe you’ve contributed to the problem, so you come very humbly. If there’s a problem, you say, “Dear, here’s how I’m feeling. I’m just wondering. What am I doing that’s creating this problem? I must have a blind spot. Could you help me see?” Now, there aren’t building walls up between you. You’re like opening the door in humility and graciousness for your spouse to speak maybe something that your spouse has been holding back on. Unless there’s something physically wrong with your spouse, God gave them a sexual desire as well. Right?

The Bible says to both husbands and wives stop depriving one another except by consent when you want to say, “Let’s put sex aside for a while so we can devote ourselves more fully to prayer, but we’re going to come together again.” The implication is both husbands and wives desire it. As I’ve discussed in previous Little Lessons, sometimes the reason that wives aren’t as enthusiastic is because their husbands, their sexual skills are so self-centered, and they’re not a good lover. The wife isn’t excited because you’re focused on your satisfaction rather than what you should be focused on, her satisfaction. Some husbands say, “Well, my wife used to turn me on, but she doesn’t turn me on anymore because she let herself go.” That’s not an excuse for pornography, buddy. Lust is wrong. You’re not treating your wife like you want to be treated. “Well, she’s not treating me like she wants to be treated.” Okay, so talk.

You know, you have to gently help your spouse, whether it’s wife or husband, to understand but with grace and with gentleness and with love and encouragement. Man, if you’re not satisfied, you don’t want to do something that’s going to fuel your dissatisfaction even more. That’s the dumb way. That’s dumb, D-U-M, dumb it’s so dumb. Any counselor that’s giving you that advice, they’re D-U-M dumb with a capital D. God loves us. That’s why he gives us these commandments. He wants you to have the best sex, and the best sex is in marriage. It has nothing to do with desiring somebody outside of your marriage, a picture or a video of some babe. That’s not the best sex because she’s not your wife and all you can do is watch. It just creates discontentment, dissatisfaction.

You say, “I’m addicted to it.” Well, then, go into deep repentance. What I mean by that is ask God to forgive you, ask God to deliver you, and you might even want to fast as you pray and seek the Lord on this. Then, you can certainly share your struggles in a gentle, loving, kind way with an accountability partner and with your spouse to help you to walk the narrow path that leads to life. Jesus sternly warned of the great dangers of lust in me. You want to stay away from lust because adultery and fornication is always preceded by lust. When you’re into lust, you’re on the wrong train track, man. It’s the train track to adultery and fornication and hell. That’s why Jesus said pluck out your eye, cut off your hand. It’s better to go to heaven missing an eye or a hand than go to hell with both those things. We’re out of time. Thank you so much for joining me. God bless you.