Most “outsiders”—the “English” as we are called by the Amish— are apt to think that all 350,000 Amish people in North America dress uniformly. They have no idea that there are scores of subtle variations in Amish dress codes from one Amish community to another. Those variations include acceptable women’s dress colors (always muted, solid colors but never patterns), number of pleats on women’s kapps, the number of men’s suspenders (0, 1 or 2), the brim width of straw hats, and much more. Amish people can often tell where other Amish people are from by observing those subtle dress code differences. And they also quickly notice if anyone within their own community is transgressing the dress code. Violators are corrected and disciplined if necessary.

Many Amish people have no clue about the origins of their dress peculiarities. If you ask an Amish woman, for example, why she has no buttons on her dress and must use scores of straight pins for fasteners, she is likely to tell you that is just how it has always been. And why are buttons not forbidden on men’s clothing? No one knows that either. (Buttons are used on men’s trouser flies and shirts.)

Amish folks would likely be very surprised to learn that modern Amish obsession with meticulous details regarding outward attire may well stem from the culture in which Jakob Amman, their founder and namesake, was born. Amman, a tailor by trade, was just as familiar as every other European of his time with what were called “sumptuary laws.” Those were strictly-enforced civil regulations that, among other things, stipulated detailed clothing restrictions for various classes of people.

For example, in 1672, officials in Switzerland’s Canton of Bern mandated that silk clothing be forbidden for the general population. They made an exception, however, for nobility—as long as their silk clothing was unadorned and without ruffles. Interestingly, the same mandate required maids to make their dresses from simple, “rural” cloth, with plain collars and without any lace or ribbons. The rationale was obvious: Maids should be easily distinguishable from their higher-class superiors.

So, imagine living under a civil government, wedded to a state church, that stringently regulated clothing styles and adornment of all citizens. Imagine your state government encouraging all its citizens to spy on and report the non-compliant. That was the only world Jakob Amman ever knew. As a tailor, he risked paying steep fines if he made or sold forbidden clothing.

All of this is to say that, although modern Anabaptists generally justify their distinctive attire with biblical references to modesty, simplicity and humility, the actual origin of their peculiar dress is more likely overbearing 17th-century European civil law that was designed to preserve class distinctions and the social order. Said another way, Amish attitudes regarding clothing distinctives have their origins in the “world”! Modern Amish culture is just a vestige of everyday European culture from three centuries ago.

This is not to say, of course, that authentic Christians should have no convictions regarding outward attire. John the Baptist, who wore a garment made of camel’s hair, told his convicted audiences that the person who has two coats should share with someone who is without a coat (Luke 3:11), and James similarly warned the rich that their garments had “become moth-eaten” (Jas. 5:2), a reference to Jesus’ prohibition of laying up earthly treasures. All of this indicates that clothing can be a stewardship issue.

In addition, both Paul and Peter gave general instructions regarding women’s outward attire that encouraged modesty and discouraged vanity (1 Tim. 2:9; 1 Pet. 3:3). Jesus also warned about those who cause others to stumble, which certainly has some application to modest clothing.

Still, there is no hint of a “Christian uniform” in the New Testament. And Scripture does allow for individual convictions regarding issues on which Scripture is silent, while also prescribing respect, toleration, and love for those whose convictions differ. So that is what followers of Christ do. We don’t establish clothing regulations or require uniforms.

Have you noticed that God made us all different? Our faces are all unique. Our personalities vary greatly. There are numerous body types. We possess different talents, skills and abilities. So why would God want or expect us to all dress and groom identically? That goes against how He’s made us.

And what could possibly be wrong with expressing my personality and my personal preferences in dress and grooming, within reason?

And is it possible to not wear a uniform and not be proud? Or maybe a more important question to ask would be, is it possible to allow others to not wear a uniform and not be jealous of them? (Jealousy may well be the root behind any demand for uniformity.)

Here’s one more question: Should I not care more about what my spouse prefers regarding my appearance than my bishop?

Amish folks and other Anabaptists sometimes make the claim that their distinctive attire “sets them apart from the world,” which sure sounds biblical. They also claim that their distinctive attire serves as a reminder and incentive for them to live righteously before those who are watching. OK, but distinctive dress also serves as a barrier to the gospel, because it sends the silent message to the unsaved that, if they want to be accepted by God, they must start wearing a uniform. That is one reason why modern Anabaptists are so ineffective in spreading the gospel and building God’s kingdom. (And most Amish people, of course, make no effort to reach the lost because most of them are lost themselves.)

All of this is to say that, at least to me, the Amish uniform is emblematic of a prison uniform, because all Amish people live in a social prison, jailed behind walls not made of concrete, but of threats from people whose love is conditional.

What should ex-Amish people do whose still-Amish relatives require them to dress Amish if they want the “privilege” to visit? Personally, I would have difficulty playing that game. If they know you’ve left the Amish and are no longer wearing the Amish prison uniform every day, what difference does it make if you pretend you are still Amish when you are around them? How would they react if you told them they had to dress “English” if they wanted to visit you?

I think that if I was ex-Amish, and my still-Amish family required that I wear the Amish prison uniform when I visited them, I would say:

Sorry, but I’ve believed in Jesus, the Son of God. He is now my Lord, not the bishop. And He has never given anyone a commandment regarding any uniform. Plus, He Himself never wore Amish clothes. Rather, He wore what everyone else in His day wore. If Jesus showed up today at your house without Amish clothes, would you let Him in? Apparently not! Neither would you allow Peter, Paul, John, James and Jude, who all followed Jesus’ example and wore the same clothing as everyone else, to enter your house! You might want to think about that.

So, if you want to follow manmade rules and conform to autocratic 300-year-old European culture, that is your choice. But if you reject me for following Jesus, Jesus said you are rejecting Him. And that is also your choice.

For me, I’m going to follow Jesus even if it costs me everything, including my family relationships. Knowing and serving Him is more important to me than anything, and I love Him more than anyone. Beyond that, I now have a new family consisting of millions of other people around the world who believe in the Lord Jesus like me. And I am welcome in all their homes without Amish prison clothes!

Not everyone will agree on those last couple of paragraphs, and they might suggest more grace on my part. They may well be right, and I am aware that I am still “a Christian under construction”!

I’ll never forget reading an Amish mother’s letter to her adult daughter who had left the Amish and was now driving a car. Her mother told her that there was nothing more “worldly” than that. Strangely, her mother, like all Amish people, regularly rides in cars as a paying passenger. So, the “worldliness” of cars apparently only applies to owning or driving them, but not to renting or riding in them. One can sit for days in the right front seat without being worldly, but if one shifts three feet to the left and grabs the steering wheel, hell rejoices!

In the minds of many Amish folks, anything that lies outside of Amish thinking or culture is “worldly.” Of course, they find their scriptural support by twisting New Testament passages that warn believers about the world. When the New Testament authors warned against the world, however, they weren’t warning against what stood in contrast to relatively-recent Amish peculiarities and traditions, but against sinful practices of the unregenerate world, evil that God had been condemning from the beginning.

So what does actual “worldliness” look like? The apostle John wrote:

“Do not love the world nor the things in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him. For all that is in the world, the lust of the flesh and the lust of the eyes and the boastful pride of life, is not from the Father, but is from the world. The world is passing away, and also its lusts; but the one who does the will of God lives forever” (1 John 2:15-17, emphasis add).

John summarized the “world” as first being characterized by the “lust,” or better, the “desire of the flesh.” Paul helpfully elaborated on what he called “the deeds of the flesh” in Galatians 5:19-21:

Now the deeds of the flesh are evident, which are: immorality, impurity, sensuality, idolatry, sorcery, enmities, strife, jealousy, outbursts of anger, disputes, dissensions, factions, envying, drunkenness, carousing, and things like these, of which I forewarn you, just as I have forewarned you, that those who practice such things will not inherit the kingdom of God.

If Paul’s “deeds of the flesh” are the outcomes of those who yield to John’s “desires of the flesh,” then people who are characterized by Paul’s “deeds of the flesh” are worldly by biblical definition.

I don’t want to generalize, because there are Amish folks who are born again, godly people. Yet there are plenty of Amish people who, by John and Paul’s definition, are every bit as worldly as the world. Statistics show that almost half of all Anabaptists have been sexually abused by fellow church members. Porn use is also prevalent, and fornication before marriage with one’s fiancée/fiancé is common. All of those things certainly fit into Paul’s categories of “immorality” and “impurity.”

And although outsiders often think of Amish people as being peace-loving and inspiringly cooperative, the truth is, they are frequently fighting and dividing, so that there are literally hundreds of church divisions among just Old Order Amish. And all of that would seem to fit into Paul’s categories of “enmities, strife…disputes, dissensions,” and “factions.”

Moreover, the Amish have pockets of everything else Paul mentioned, including drunkenness and carousing.

Added all together, it’s completely worldly.

If John’s second phrase, “lust of the eyes,” is equivalent to greed as is often suggested, that is something that is curbed by social pressure in Amish circles (but not eradicated from Amish hearts), and the same could be said of the “boastful pride of life,” John’s third phrase. Pride would certainly seem to be a factor, however, in the hearts of Amish people who actually think they could merit a place in heaven, or who are convinced that only the Amish people will be there. A thin veneer of false humility can hide a heart bursting with pride.

Regardless, how tragic it is when Amish people redefine worldliness to exclude themselves from their definition. Imagine being proud that you live in a house that isn’t connected to the “worldly” electrical power grid, but that same house is where you’ve molested your daughter or sister. Then imagine condemning your ex-Amish daughter as being worldly because she now drives a car!

It is interesting that modern technology is often deemed to be “worldly” by modern Amish, but that 100-year-old technology is not, by either modern Amish or their ancestors. A horse-drawn buggy was at one time a disruptive technology, and one that could have called for a “fence law” that prevented some potential sin. Somehow it was allowed. The fact is, any technology can be used for good or evil. (I’m using a laptop for good as I’m writing this.)

Regarding automobiles, I understand that many Amish “draw the line” between owning/driving one and riding in one under the belief that it curbs sin. If you can’t just hop in your car anytime you want and drive to a bar, that might help you avoid getting drunk so often. Fair enough. But those of us who are born again, new creations in Christ don’t need fence laws to help us stay sober. We have the indwelling Holy Spirit to empower us. Plus, our desires have changed. Getting drunk no longer has any appeal.

The need for fence laws is a tacit admission that the Holy Spirit is absent, and the fence law becomes the cheap substitute that exchanges love for God for fear of man.

The solution to all this? Only the gospel of Jesus. So, “keep the main thing the main thing.” Don’t argue about non-essentials, traditions and customs. Just keep repeating the only important question to your still-Amish family members and friends, “Have you been born again through faith in the Lord Jesus Christ?”

“Just wait and see. Since you’ve left the Amish, all your children will go to the world.”

Many former Amish folks have heard that threatening forecast from their still-Amish relatives and families. It is usually followed by solemn examples of children who “went to the dogs” when their parents left the Amish.

Most ex-Amish parents considered that risk before they defected, and they decided it was worth taking the chance. The alternative was to stay in the Amish Prison and continue raising little prisoners—who would one day be adult prisoners who could then start raising some little prisoners of their own.

Of course, if you want to control people’s behavior, prison is a great place to do that. You may have noticed that no prisoner ever robbed a bank as long as he was in prison. If you put prisoners in solitary confinement, you can even keep them from punching fellow prisoners. If you tape their mouths shut, you can keep them from using curse words. There is no end to how “holy” you can force people to be…all you need is enough restraint.

I hope by now you are chuckling, and I hope you noticed that the word “holy” in my last sentence was in quotation marks. That is because imposed holiness is not holiness at all. It is coercion. No one finds any virtue in prison inmates who don’t rob banks while they are in prison.

You may have noticed that God has placed us all in an environment that is not void of temptation. From the Garden of Eden, He has allowed the devil to tempt people (but with limitations). Free moral agents must be tested. Thus the reason for the “forbidden fruit.”

Parents, however, can take a tip from God, who promised His children that He will never “allow [them] to be tempted beyond what [they] are able, but with the temptation will provide the way of escape also, so that [they] will be able to endure it” (1Cor. 10:13). All Christian parents must determine the right balance of protection from, and exposure to, temptation for their children, based on their ages and maturity. The goal is to prepare them to one day “leave the nest,” equipped to resist temptation and follow Jesus—because they love Him. (By contrast, if you are Amish, the goal is to prepare your children for life sentences in prison…Amish Prison, that is.)

Along those lines, should your children be educated in home school, private Christian school, or public school?

Personally, I recommend the protection of the first two options for as long as possible. Some say those options are “over-protection,” but neighborhood hoodlums and Sunday school gangsters will usually provide your children with ample exposure to the contrast between darkness and light. And please note that Jesus only sent adults out to evangelize the world, calling even them “lambs in the midst of wolves” (Luke 10:3). God is not calling your children to win the heathen; He is calling you to “bring [your children] up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord” (Eph. 6:4).

So don’t fear your still-Amish family members’ pernicious predictions regarding your precious children. Let your children see you obey your Lord Jesus every day, and teach them God’s Word. They will follow your example and one day raise your grandchildren the same way!

One thing, among many, that I often admire about Amish-background believers is their willingness to pay a price to follow Jesus, and that price often includes rejection on some level by their family and friends. That willingness to suffer affirms the sincerity of their faith. Still, I know it isn’t easy, having faced plenty of rejection myself for my love for our Lord Jesus. This short article was posted on Facebook in two installments (on 11/25 & 29/22), the second of which I felt was the most significant.

I’m writing primarily to Amish-background believers who’ve faced rejection by their parents, siblings, relatives, and former Amish friends. Much of what I have to say, however, applies to anyone who has suffered rejection for the sake of Christ.

I’ve titled this article “Coping with Amish Family Rejection” rather than “Overcoming Amish Family Rejection,” because I’m uncertain that anyone who has suffered rejection from those who ought to love them is able to “get over it,” at least in this life.

Although it is often said that “time heals all wounds,” wounded people know that, although the deep psychological pain of rejection may hurt less over time, it very often leaves permanent scars. Many wounded people—for good reasons and because they are good people—do their best to hide their pain. Still, they’re wounded. And how they cope affects their lives every day. For example, people who are wounded by rejection are apt to guard against being rejected again. For them, any and all relationships are risky.

As I’ve observed newly born-again Amish friends be rejected by their Amish parents, relatives and friends, I’ve marveled at their grace towards those who’ve rejected them. It is a testimony to the Holy Spirit’s transforming power. Still, I can’t imagine they aren’t hiding some hurt. I wish I could help them, and this article will be my attempt at that.

Of all people from whom we would expect love, certainly our parents would be at the top of the list. And for that reason and others, parental shunning is utterly perverse. Everyone knows that fact deep within them—including Amish parents who shun their adult children—but their mixed-up minds have mastered their hearts.

Of course, it is appropriate for parents, at times, to express their disappointment with a child, and that can even be appropriate at times with adult children (although the downside risk is much higher then). But the only proper way to express disappointment to any age child (or just about any person for that matter) is with affirmation, love, and encouragement.

Parents, if your child’s behavior falls short of your reasonable expectation, make sure any correction, verbal or physical, is jammed full with love, beginning to end. Even to a small child whose behavior requires discipline, you can first say, “Johnny, you are a good boy, and good boys don’t act the way you just did. So, I’m going to punish you to make sure you remain the good boy that you are.” That’s affirming, not demeaning. And after you administer the punishment, add some more verbal and physical affirmation. If your child is crying, hug them until they stop.

The hearts of older children—as well as all of us adult children—are no less fragile, and we all need just as much tenderness and affirmation if correction is going to have a positive, rather than a negative, result. When I think about Amish parents who tell their adult children that they are no longer welcome at any family gatherings because they’ve left the Amish, I marvel at the utter foolishness of such actions and the strangeness of the social system that motivates such madness.

Shunning is a method of coercion, that is, forcing people to do what they don’t want to do. Of course, that is what being Amish is actually all about if the truth be told. It is nothing but a system of social coercion under the guise of Christianity which, by the way, has absolutely nothing to do with coercion. Christianity at its core is antithetical to coercion.

I can’t think of anything more miserable than a bunch of people who all outwardly conform to rules just to prevent their loved ones from hating them! It’s like a circular firing squad, and everyone has a gun. “Don’t even think about removing yourself from our ‘circle of love,’ or else we’ll shoot you!” (If anyone ever writes a country song about Amish life, a good title might be, “Hating To Love You.”)

But I’m not writing to foolish Amish parents, and neither are they reading this. So what are the victims of attempted social coercion—followers of Christ who are being shunned by Amish family members—supposed to do? Let me tell you what I’ve admiringly observed among many ex-Amish people who are suffering family rejection. May their example inspire you as it has inspired me:

#1) Remember that the Lord once said to Samuel, “They have not rejected you, but they have rejected Me” (1 Sam. 8:7). If you’ve been born again and your Amish family is shunning you because of it, then God’s words to Samuel certainly have application to you. More than rejecting you, they’re rejecting Jesus Christ, even if they don’t recognize it.

Jesus once similarly said to 70 of His disciples, “The one who listens to you listens to Me, and the one who rejects you rejects Me; and he who rejects Me rejects the One who sent Me” ( Luke 10:16, emphasis added).

It can help you cope with your family’s rejection if you recognize that they are actually rejecting Jesus, of whose body you are a member. And that, of course, will help you to feel compassion for them rather than bitterness or anger. They are people who need to repent, believe in the Lord Jesus, and be born again, or they will perish. Good reason to pray for them.

And while their rejection of you is the sure evidence that they are not in Christ, it is also the sure evidence that you are in Christ. Which leads me to a second coping suggestion…

#2) Jesus said, “Blessed are you when people insult you and persecute you, and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of Me. Rejoice and be glad, for your reward in heaven is great; for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you” (Matt. 5:11, emphasis added). Your rejection by people is proof of your acceptance by God.

Jesus told His followers that families would be divided because of Him, because some would believe and some would not:

Do not think that I came to bring peace on the earth; I did not come to bring peace, but a sword. For I came to set a man against his father, and a daughter against her mother, and a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law; and a man’s enemies will be the members of his household (Matt. 10:34-36).

So don’t be surprised that your family is divided.

Jesus continued:

He who loves father or mother more than Me is not worthy of Me; and he who loves son or daughter more than Me is not worthy of Me (Matt. 10:37).

Although some professing Christians think that “not being worthy of Jesus” has nothing to do with salvation, they would have a hard time explaining how that could possibly be. Did Jesus actually mean: “If you love your father, mother, son or daughter more than Me, you are not worthy of Me, but don’t worry about it, because everyone is not worthy of Me, including those who actually do love Me more than they love their family members…so it really doesn’t make any difference if you love Me more, or love Me less, than you love your family members”? That would not seem to be too likely…

Can we just be honest? In Matthew 10:37, Jesus clearly revealed that people can be “worthy” or “deserving” of Him. That is indisputable. And people who don’t love Him more than they love their “loved-ones” are not worthy or deserving of Him. Jesus doesn’t belong to them.

The truth is, everyone who genuinely believes that Jesus is the Son of God makes Him Lord, and they love Him supremely, more than their families. And they deserve Him. If you don’t love Jesus supremely, more than anyone else, you are not yet a Christian believer. Matthew 10:37 is very simple to understand, yet it is all but ignored by the purveyors of false grace who litter the landscape of modern Evangelicalism.

All of this being so, those who, like you, have been faced with the choice of pleasing “loved ones” or Jesus, and who choose Jesus, prove that they are worthy of Him. And that should certainly provide consolation to Amish-background believers who are being shunned by their Amish families. You’ve passed the test! You’ve proven that your faith is genuine. You are worthy of Jesus…according to Jesus! That is one “silver lining” in your “dark cloud” that can help you cope.

So, rejoice that “the proof of your faith, being more precious than gold which is perishable, even though tested by fire, will be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ” (1 Pet. 1:7). And let your shunning family see your joy in being shunned for Christ’s sake. It might help them see the error of their way.

#3) Remember that you are a victim of people who are victims themselves. Like you, your parents were born into a system of social coercion, as were their parents. There have been generations of victims over hundreds of years. For that reason, you can have mercy on those who are shunning you, reminding yourself that, “If they knew better, they’d do better.”

Although Jesus said it would have been better if Judas had not been born, we note that He prayed for His persecutors who divided His garments because they, unlike Judas, did not “know what they were doing.” In that respect, your shunning family members are more like the Roman soldiers at Jesus’ crucifixion than they are like Judas. And worse, they think they are doing what is right and perhaps what is best for you, hoping to lure you back (into their bondage).

All of this is to say, it is easier to have mercy on family members who are shunning you if you remember that they are not entirely to blame for their sin against you. The blame also belongs to their ancestors all the way back to Jacob Amman (at least).

If you can model mercy, there is a better chance that your alleged “Christian” Amish family members who are shunning you will wake up to their error as they witness Jesus living through you. You can “do all things through Christ who strengthens you” (Phil. 4:13), and being persecuted by your own flesh and blood is an opportunity to experience not only “the fellowship of Christ’s sufferings,” but also “the power of His resurrection” (Phil. 3:10). That’s good!

Here’s something else to remember:

#4) Jesus suffered the rejection of His family, so He has felt the same pain as you. He, however, found a remedy that will also work for you.

Of course, Jesus suffered rejection throughout His entire earthly ministry. John wrote, “He came to His own, and those who were His own did not receive Him” (John 1:11). Can you imagine being rejected by people whom you created?

Rejection was such a predominant part of Jesus’ experience that Isaiah wrote of Him hundreds of years before His incarnation:

He was despised and forsaken of men,
A man of sorrows and acquainted with grief;
And like one from whom men hide their face. He was despised, and we did not esteem Him (Is. 53:3, emphasis added).

If you are in Christ, a member of His body, you will share in His sufferings. And rejection is a primary part of those sufferings. If you haven’t experienced at least some rejection, you should be concerned. Jesus warned, “Woe to you when all men speak well of you” (Luke 6:26).

It is one thing to be rejected by strangers and acquaintances. But that pales in comparison to being rejected by “loved-ones.” Many Christians have never realized just how much Jesus was rejected by His family. Concerning His four half-brothers (see Mark 6:3), the New Testament records, “Not even His brothers were believing in Him” (John 7:5).

Although we might be able to sympathize somewhat with the challenge of being one of Jesus’ brothers who all grew up in a family where one person never sinned—their rejection of Him is still difficult to understand. Surely, they heard from their mother the supernatural circumstances that surrounded His birth. And although they were aware of His miracles (see John 7:1-4) and were likely present at His first miracle when He changed water into wine (see John 2:1-12), they still did not believe in Him. Scripture records that they encouraged Him to attend a feast in Jerusalem where they likely knew He would be endangered (John 7:1-9). Were they hoping He might be harmed? Perhaps just as Joseph of the Old Testament foreshadowed Christ, so Joseph’s jealous brothers foreshadowed Jesus’ siblings.

When Jesus visited His hometown—the backwater village of Nazareth and a place where everyone knew Him, His earthly father, mother, half-brothers, and half-sisters—the residents tried to kill Him by throwing Him over a cliff (Matt. 13:54-58; Mark 6:1-6; Luke 4:16-30). Being hated by your hometown friends would be bad enough, but it is VERY possible that some or all of the members of Jesus’ own family heard Him preach in Nazareth’s synagogue that day and even participated in the attempt to kill Him.

There is no indication in the New Testament that any of Jesus’ half-brothers, with the exception of James (Gal. 1:19), and perhaps Jude, ever believed in Him. And the fact that Jesus, during His crucifixion, entrusted His mother Mary into the care of His disciple John (John 19: 25-27) makes us wonder if His half-brothers had rejected her because of her faith in Him.

How did Jesus cope with such painful rejection by His own family? We can find a clue in Mark 3:

And He came home, and the crowd gathered again, to such an extent that they could not even eat a meal. When His own people [or “kinsman”] heard of this, they went out to take custody of Him; for they were saying, “He has lost His senses”….

Then His mother and His brothers arrived, and standing outside they sent word to Him and called Him. A crowd was sitting around Him, and they said to Him, “Behold, Your mother and Your brothers are outside looking for You.” Answering them, He said, “Who are My mother and My brothers?” Looking about at those who were sitting around Him, He said, “Behold My mother and My brothers! For whoever does the will of God, he is My brother and sister and mother” (Mark 3:20-21, 31-35).

Jesus identified with a new family, one that accepted and received Him. And that is just what we should do when we suffer rejection by our families. Just as with Jesus, our new family consists of all those who “do the will of God.” Those are all true believers in Jesus, His “sheep” (not the goats). Christians, by New Testament definition, are those who strive to follow and obey Jesus. Those who don’t aren’t actual believers.

When we are born again, we become instant members of God’s great big family, with Him being our spiritual Father, Jesus being our oldest brother, and with many other brothers and sisters all over the world. That is why we soon discover that we actually prefer, if given the chance, to spend time with our spiritual family more than our physical family (if our physical family members are not yet born again).

This is also why Jesus promised: “Truly I say to you, there is no one who has left house or brothers or sisters or mother or father or children or farms, for My sake and for the gospel’s sake, but that he will receive a hundred times as much now in this present age, houses and brothers and sisters and mothers and children and farms, along with persecutions; and in the age to come, eternal life” (Mark 10:29-30). Although we may not all literally leave our families in order to take the gospel to faraway places, we all, in a sense, leave our families when we decide to follow Christ against our family’s wishes.

Of course, when Jesus promised the blessing of many “brothers and sisters and mothers and children,” He wasn’t talking about attending one-hour church services once a week to look at the backs of other people’s heads in the pew in front of you. He was talking about the kind of close relationships that true born-again believers continually enjoy with each other. It is truly a little taste of heaven, the “fellowship [Greek: koinonia] of the Spirit” (Phil. 2:1).

If you don’t have that, “seek and you will find” (Matt. 7:7), and it will go a long way towards mitigating the pain of your family’s rejection. In fact, if you do, your Amish family might even become jealous. That would be a good thing (Rom. 11:13-14) if it helps them realize that you are being blessed in spite of their efforts to make you miserable and bring you back into their darkness!

I’ve learned that many Amish folks think that the first commandment God ever gave is to “honor your parents.” The reason they think that is because they’ve heard Ephesians 6:1 read from the German Bible in their churches, but they don’t understand German well enough to grasp Paul’s words that honoring one’s father and mother is not “the first commandment,” but “the first commandment with a promise.” That is, it is the first commandment that is accompanied by a promised benefit if you obey it, namely “that is may be well with you, and that you may live long on the earth” (Eph. 6:3).

In any case, the point of the common Amish misconstruction of Ephesians 6:1 is that there is supposedly nothing more important than obeying/honoring one’s parents. So, no Amish person, they say, should ever leave the Amish if his or her parents are against it. That is why so many who would prefer to leave remain in the Amish Prison.

Of course, honoring one’s parents is important (it is contained in the Ten Commandments), but Jesus said that the most important commandment is to “love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind” (Matt. 22:37). So, if one is forced to make a choice between obeying/honoring one’s parents or loving/obeying God, one should love/obey God—even if one’s parents are dishonored in the process.

You probably recall the man in the Bible who wanted to follow Jesus, but he requested Jesus’ permission to first bury his father, an obvious act of honoring a parent. Jesus said to him, “Follow Me, and allow the dead to bury their own dead” (Matt. 8:22). If that man returned home to honor his parent, he sinned. You might want to stop and think about that.

All of this is precisely why Paul did not write in Ephesians 6:1, “Children, obey your parents,” but rather, “Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right” (emphasis added). Children, even young children, should only obey their parents so far as their obedience does not require them to disobey the Lord.

Here’s another relevant Bible verse that could almost be paraphrased, “Children, disobey your parents in the Lord, for this is right”:

“I [God] warned their children not to follow in their parents’ footsteps, defiling themselves with their idols. ‘I am the Lord your God,’ I told them. Follow my decrees, pay attention to my regulations” (Ezek. 20:18-19, emphasis added).

How about that? God effectively told children not to “honor their parents.”

Since we’re considering Ephesians 6, I should mention that it also includes instructions to parents regarding how they should treat their children. Ephesians 6:1-3 was never intended to be quoted without including the very next verse: “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord” (Eph. 6:4, emphasis added). Paul did not instruct parents to teach their children religious, manmade traditions. Rather, he told them to teach their children about Jesus and what Jesus taught. Fathers should be “making disciples” of their own children, teaching them to obey all that Jesus commanded (Matt. 28:18-20).

I’m sorry to say that too many parents, Amish and otherwise, are tragically ignoring the first part of Ephesians 6:4. I love the Amplified Version’s rendition of it (read slowly): “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger [do not exasperate them to the point of resentment with demands that are trivial or unreasonable or humiliating or abusive; nor by showing favoritism or indifference to any of them], but bring them up [tenderly, with lovingkindness] in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.”

It is heartbreaking to see children whose parents exasperate them under the alleged “discipline of the Lord.” Why can’t those parents foresee the inevitable future? The time is coming when their children will get as far away from them—and their religion—as they possibly can. And when they do, they will take all their emotional scars with them.

Regarding adult children, only very foolish parents attempt to control them. Almost nothing could be more unnatural or perverse within human relations. And only extremely foolish parents attempt to control their adult children by quoting Ephesians 6:1-3! Wise parents know that love, self-sacrifice, and encouragement are the magnets that keep children—both young and old—close, while angry threats, finger-wagging, and shunning all repel like skunk squirt.

All of this is to say, if you followed Jesus out of the Amish Prison and your parents are condemning you and shunning you for it, it is they, not you, who should feel guilty. They were wrong to keep you in that prison all of your childhood, and they are wrong for condemning you for escaping it. As God said through Ezekiel, “I warned their children not to follow in their parents’ footsteps” (Ezek. 20:18, emphasis added).

I should add that your parents are themselves victims of how they were raised, as were their parents. So there is reason not to be angry with your parents, but sympathetic.

Thank God you did not follow in your parent’s footsteps and escaped. Now, follow Jesus! And pray, as Jesus taught, that God will send laborers into the harvest…people whom your parents respect who can influence them to follow their children out of the Amish Prison to become slaves of Christ and sons of God!!!

Your still-Amish relatives who are asking you how you could break your lifetime vow to the Amish church are asking the wrong question. They ought to be asking what gives any church the biblical right to require people to make a lifetime vow to it. The apostles had no such practice, because Jesus never commanded it. So, rather than be on the defensive, take the offensive stance, with love and respect. Ask them to show you in the New Testament where the apostles asked anyone to make lifetime vows to any church, sect, or list of rules.

Beyond that, ask them if they are still practicing the Ordnung to which they made vows as a teenager. Have they moved to a different Amish community with a different Ordnung? Then they broke their lifetime vows.

On top of all that, if you had made a lifetime vow to a church that you eventually realized had strayed in many significant ways from biblical truth and practice, you could be sure that remaining loyal to such a church would make you disloyal to God. If you had made a lifetime vow as a teenager to serve Baal, Molech, or Mohammed, would God expect you to keep that vow? We all know the answer!

Breaking a lifetime vow to the Amish church is not a sin; it is an act of repentance.